I will Write

it is nice to start each day thinking of the people who loves and cares for you. it has been a long time for that downfall. thank you for the time and space. thank you for understanding me.

i remembered todd telling this words to samantha “don’t you deserve one thing that isn’t hard work?“. he have his point there. and i agree. why make things complicated if you can make it simple.

samantha who? is a series that is about samantha who had amnesia after meeting an accident. not knowing what she is from the past, she later discoveries that she is a bad girl. really bad. hehe but there so much of samantha.

we all have the right to choose and what ever our choice, it should be respected. so ciao to my downfall. ciao to my feelings. ciao to my pain. ciao to my tears. i may still shed tear but the reason will be different. it will be because i am grateful. yes, i am grateful for the people who have never turned their back on me.

it is nice loving and being loved back.

I shall weep today for tomorrow I will be better…

Allow me to feel this and learn from it. I guess, If you are not willing enough to learn you will keep on feeling this way. If you don’t want to accept and understand, you will be stocked. The feeling of pain and hurt. All this time i allowed myself to just feel pain. I always have the option to be happy and feel better, but i never did choose it. Why? Despite of this pain is happiness. Yes, I can find happiness from this. But I also cry over it. hehe. We do cry when our emotion is too much. But too much is bad. I agree. But I wanted it this way. For now. So allow me feel this way. Allow me to be silent. Allow me to hide. Until i find my place again.

“Forbidden to remember; terrified to forget - it is a hard line to walk” - Bella Swan

who doesn’t want or even NEED happiness, huh?

will you ask someone to help you to be happy knowing that that person will never be happy?

almost there.

when you had enough of things,

when you are tired of the situation,

when you can no longer handle it,

when it is not getting any better,

shutup

stood still

close your eyes

say a little prayer.

surrendering does not mean that you are weak.

you are only giving yourself the chance to see things on a different perspective.

deep inside i am screaming but all i can do is write and whisper

i no longer have the choice but to be strong.
i no longer have the choice but to cure this.
i no longer have the choice but to face it.

i went home coz i know that i am no longer able to handle my situation.
see, it is painful.
i am under medication.
i am under construction?!?
hehe. yeah.
it gets tiring taking medicines.
i was so furious last monday evening because i have to take four medicine at once. nice! is it not enough for me to get sick? pain pain pain… when will i be through with this?

i cried taking those medicines and fell asleep.

when i was home i stayed up late watching TV. well i was watching movies from Star Movies and from Discovery Channel. nice, my doctor as me to take enough rest and sleep early. i did not listen. do i want things to be more complicated? of course not. am struggling hard. really hard.

how can life be so harsh? how can it be so harsh for me and for the people i love? will i just stop loving them? i think i already know the answer. i only needed to review it. haha. am laughing but it wasn’t what i really feel.

that’s how it felt… being able to let out loud your deepest feelings…

yep, it’s the first time again… i was tongued tied but i have to answer a question…
why?

MKMNMKM!

not only letting it out but knowing it’s result… weeeeeeee will i ever regret saying it? if that’s the least thing that i can do, i will still not…

i was singing again… i have been singing again… what do i feel now? fine, plain fine as always… hoping that things will be better from this day forward…

i still thank you… yes you…
the blame is all mine…

stoopeed mee

life is NOT fair…

i agree, i first asked this because i think life really is unfair… but hey check this reasons:

if life is fair, there is no room for perseverance and motivation
the willingness to work
the willingness to feel pain
the feeling on holding on
the feeling of moving on
all experiences based in life will be lost if life is fair
lahat tayo pantay pantay

BORING!

no room for improvement

i cannot disagree and i almost accepted the fact that life really needs to be not fair… i don’t need an argument… i needed someone’s opinion about life… someone whom i think knows more about life than i do… i slept in peace… accepting that life really is fair…

ending the conversation, my comrade said it is all up to me… to either end this life or just live this life… duh? i will not commit suicide… though i already have enough reason too… i don’t wanna argue with my comrade… i told myself i only needed opinion… and well, he made life being not fair as an advantage…

well what do i say about life? i started this mess… really… i dunno if it’s already a mess but i know i am messing up… about life and in general… i slept asking Him to be my guide… see, giving up isn’t really bad if you give it all up to Him… lol… have i given up everything to Him? no… should i be writing this blog if i did? i should just accept the fact… deym…

P.S.

ask people whom you think have great principles in life…

Plan A. Live with my other half and work.

Plan B. Live and work for myself and my family.

Plan C. Catch a Big Fish.

i am now 22 turning 23 next month…

well, though i am still single, i still see myself as a mother… in the future that is, not yet now…

i wanted my children to be as responsible as i do… i may not be the perfect mother for them but that is all i want them to be when they will soon grow up…

now, i ain’t the perfect daughter… i lose my patience as well… patience towards my parents… but still i am doing everything for them… my plans are for them… not for me… yes, i wanted my children to be like me… not really me but them to have this right behavior…

um um um… this isn’t a serious post… i was sleeping and in my dream was a child who was mad at me… he is not my son but he was mad at me… he almost hurt me… my children may get mad at me but hopefully they wouldn’t hurt me the way that the lil boy did in my dreams… no matter how awful your life has been being the child of your parents you still do not have the right to hurt them…

my being a child along with my brother (elder) is not really one of the best experience… but still, now that we are grown up we still are taking the responsibility of helping out our parents…

i dunno how we (along with my elder brother) ended this way even if we had experienced the worst from our parents… nway so much to that… i love my nanang and tatang… i will always be there for them no matter what… they may not know but every step that i have taken is for them… disregarding my flaws of course… i love my elder brother too though we barely talk… i also love our youngest brother though he is “pasaway”…

i want my children to love me and their dada… and i want them to love each other as well… yeah they are my children, loving, responsible, respectful, caring and happy… and i will certainly love them back…